Example output
Sunday Night,
21:04
This is what lands in the group chat when a trip ends. The eight players are invented. Everything about how the fines, monikers and crowns are worked out is exactly how it runs.
Three days at a glance
Eight players. Three courses. Nobody kept a stroke count worth reading, which was rather the point — the app scores the mistakes instead, so the bloke who has never held a club is suddenly the one to beat.
Every event below is one a player tapped in on the course: a tree, a shank, a ball that went in the water and stayed there. One tap, one line in the record.
Day one — Brackenmoor
A gentle start, if you weren't Dave.
- Lumberjack of the Day Dave Five trees. Two of them the same tree. Double of anything barrel-aged
- Worm Burner Rich Six topped. Nothing got airborne all afternoon. Half a lager top with a brolly in it
- Willy Baz Three in the water, all on the same hole. Double tequila, neat
- The Blind Mouse Ollie Four separate three-putts. A triple, dealer's choice
- Tap Out Jonesy Three gimmies missed, one of which was conceded twice. Neck a pint of something on tap
- The Groundhog Tom Four chunked. It is his stag do. Chunk a Guinness
- Scrumpy Kev Two in the bushes, one never seen again. Neck a pint of cider
- Bullseye Nathan Hit a trolley. Someone was holding it. Red Bull and vodka
Eight players, eight monikers — because the assignment tries to leave nobody out, not because everybody misbehaved equally. Nathan's single trolley was enough to earn him one only once the bigger offenders had taken theirs.
Day two — Cold Ash Links
Wind off the sea, and the wheels came off with it.
- Lumberjack of the Day Dave Nine. On a links course. With four trees on it. Double of anything barrel-aged
- The Sidewinder Tom Three shanks, each one further right than the last. Double Sambuca, lit
- St Bernard Baz Four lost. The group stopped helping look after the second. Double brandy
- Air Force One Jonesy Four air shots, one of them on the practice green. Double of the highest-proof rum
- Rocketman Ollie Three chipped clean over the green. Espresso martini
- Pegleg Rich Fell over. Twice. Once before the ball moved. Strawpedo a Bacardi Breezer
- Rick O'Shea Kev Hit the clubhouse from the eighteenth tee. Double Club whiskey
- Boomerang Nathan Hit himself. Nobody has fully explained how. Southern Comfort
Powers earned
-
Mic-Drop Ollie — chipped in on the twelfth Spent it immediately, doubling Dave's. -
Ace Kev — hole in one on the fourth Kept it in his pocket. Still had it on Sunday.
Positives don't get you a drink — they get you a power you hold and spend on somebody else. Kev's ace sat unused for two days, which is arguably worse for everyone than using it.
Day three — Draymoor Park
Fewer events, and one conspicuous absence.
- Lord Lucan Nathan Present at breakfast. Not present at any point after it. Absinthe shot
- AWOL Baz Turned up on the third. Fined for it on top of everything he then did. A Flatliner
- Silky Tom Not one event logged all round. Nobody believes him. Double Baileys
- Lumberjack of the Day Dave Seven. He has stopped apologising for it. Double of anything barrel-aged
- The Blind Mouse Ollie Four more. A pattern, at this stage. A triple, dealer's choice
- Scrumpy Kev Two more in the bushes, in exactly the same spot. Neck a pint of cider
- Worm Burner Rich Five topped, and a putt that also counted as topped. Half a lager top with a brolly in it
Silky is the fine for a clean round, and it exists because nobody has ever believed one. Tom being the only man on the trip with nothing against his name, on the last day, at his own stag do, was treated by the group as evidence of something.
The crowns
The daily fines are one thing. The crown is settled at the end of the trip on raw cumulative counts, and each player carries exactly one — so you're not a Lumberjack, you're the Lumberjack, and nobody else can be.
Final standing · 3 days · 211 events
-
The Lumberjack Dave Trees, across all three days21 -
The Worm Burner Rich Topped14 -
The Blind Mouse Ollie Three-putts or worse11 -
Willy Baz In the water9 -
Air Force One Jonesy Air shots7 -
Scrumpy Kev In the bushes6 -
The Sidewinder Tom Shanks5 -
Lord Lucan Nathan Dishonourable mention — a rate nobody could sustain, over far too few holes to win anything—
Baz had more lost balls than water balls, but Jonesy had no claim on anything except air shots — so Baz took Willy and everybody ended up with something. That's the whole rule: you only give a crown up when giving it up actually lets somebody else have one.
Why it reads like this
One moniker each
A fine goes to whoever has the most of that event, and every player carries only one. Six offences don't make you six names — they make you the one thing you'll be known for.
The day and the trip are different awards
You can win Lumberjack of the Day twice and still lose the crown to somebody steadier who was quietly out-treeing you the whole week.
Nobody gets left out on purpose
The names are handed out so as many players as possible end up with one. It's why the bloke with a single trolley strike still gets read out.
Doing well gets you power, not a pass
A chip-in or a hole in one earns something you hold and spend on somebody else's drink. The good players end the trip with leverage rather than immunity.
Every trip ends with one of these. Eight to twelve people read it, all of them named in it, most of them on a Sunday night with the trip still fresh.
Which is the actual reason it spreads: the write-up lands in a group chat, and one of the men reading it is organising his own trip in the spring.